


Everything you are to me.

by luminous_nyght



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Christmas AU, Established Relationship, M/M, Zouis is heavy in this, and it's angst with a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-24
Updated: 2013-12-24
Packaged: 2018-01-05 20:22:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1098223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luminous_nyght/pseuds/luminous_nyght
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam asks for space, and Zayn just about loses it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything you are to me.

Zayn didn’t know. He didn’t quite know where he stood with life anymore; being in uni at 20 is a really fucking scary thing, being alone in the world is fucking scary too but lastly being in love with Liam is a really fucking scary thing and being here at just 20 well that’s the worst out of it all.

 

He’s leaning against the railing smoking on a fag trying to articulate something that doesn’t want writing. He knew he didn’t talk much, so when someone like Liam happened to himself it’s like winning the Grand Slam, because someone was interested in _him_ and that, yeah didn’t happen too often and now he looks out at bay, watching Liam train on the sand 4 years on, it was cold, the December wind was hitting him harshly as he looked down at Liam running back and forth between the space where the sand meets rock, a whole 2 miles of it, and he thinks how did he get here how did this became his routine now, _their_ routine now.

 

Setting up space and patterns which drove them away from each other, even if they spent every day together. He looks again at the horizon, what was left of the setting sun sinking into the shore line, he sighs, it was 3 weeks away from both his competition and Christmas but he knew he’ll be there on the promenade again tomorrow and the day after that and so forth till the time rolls around as to when he has to get up on stage and perform and even if all he gets is a hug from Liam when he’s done and a simple kiss on the cheek, it’s worth it because he wants to _fix_ this because after all Liam’s worth it and that’s enough for Zayn. He hears the car shifting into gear to park, finally he’s back.

 

He felt a little tap on his shoulder a little later, he knew it was Louis; after all he was the person that picks up Liam after his exercise routine. He’s holding out for him a cup of hot black coffee in one hand and Liam’s schedule in the other, smiling like a dolt. He chuckles, Louis was always up to something Liam classes as ‘naughty’ but as he looked at the leather bound notebook with the simple inscription Liam on the spine, he knew what Louis was up too, he wasn’t his best friend for nothing.

 

“He said he’s busy Lou, can’t force him there man.” Zayn tries taking the cup from Louis depositing his cigarette in the bin (because that’s how his ammi thought him) and sitting on one of the benches right across from Louis. Louis sighed himself and walks over to Zayn, sitting before turning to the book and opening it up to the right page.

He wanted to write Louis like this, etch his features into the spinal cords of his poems because Louis deserved to be written over and over, like that one character in a book that he could dream up a hundred different secrets and stories about.

 

“Look, he’s free all that week; I don’t know why he doesn’t wanna go.”

Zayn exhaled heavily. He didn’t like to catch Liam in lies but right now more frequently than not that was the case with them. He put his cup next to him and took the book from Louis, it was true, he didn’t have anything planned leading up to the Saturday and on the Saturday of his Grand Slam, he just figured seeing they’d been together close to four years, Liam would have been able to say he didn’t want to go rather than lie about it.

 

Liam was odd like that, he knew Zayn _wrote_ everybody knew Zayn writes, writes and writes. It’s what Liam had first said to him on their first date, that he liked him the most when he’s on his knees, head bend arching over his notebook writing the world away because of course sitting on a chair for Zayn is way too primary. It was one of the reasons he allowed himself to get so close.

 

Liam also knew that Zayn had been writing for this competition for months now, trying to write the right poems for him to just get to the finals.

 

“Zayn,” Louis calls, “Do you know where this is going? Because right now it doesn’t look a lot like the ZaynandLiam I know but the quiet Zayn and Mr. know it all Liam down there. It’s weird to watch you guys just _fizzle_.” He looks up at Louis, looks at him in a light he’s not in years. Louis was his first _everything._ Met the first day of college, Louis was Year 13 cool, classy and loud everything Zayn desperately wanted to be. One of the reasons Zayn was so attracted to him and Zayn might have got over it now 4 years on but he still had this thing for Louis’ cerulean deep set eyes and philanthropic ways but he didn’t like to tell people that.

 

“I don’t know, Lou I don’t know how we got here and I don’t know where we are going, I used to say marriage and kids the whole nine yards but right now it looks a lot like a lot of me over here and a lot of him over there and I don’t know whether I can just walk up and kiss him, I don’t know if he still wants to be around me, I don’t know if he did ever truly love me.” The last bit he whispers out, because that was another thing he didn’t like to tell people, even if those people where Louis Tomlinson.

Louis slaps him, one, twice, three times. The third time Zayn caught his hand in his own before letting it hit his thigh again, he kept holding it, not that that wasn’t normal for them either.

 

“I don’t ever want you to hear you saying that. That boy down there loves you with everything he’s got we just need to figure out what’s up before he does something stupid.”

 

“What if he already has?” Zayn counters trying hard not to lose his patience squeezing Louis hand trying hard not to lose his cool neither, he was well aware he had an anger problem when things didn’t pan out in the way he wanted them too.

 

“You’re an idiot for thinking that then, Z really I’ll get him to go one way or another I will yeah?”

 

Zayn shrugs, “Don’t force it; it’s just my dumb poetry shit.” It is true he thinks he is a grade A nerd with a penchant for black and stillness and an urge to write every chance he could get. Double majoring in English Lit and Creative Writing is the best thing he could have done even if it was exhausting, his world suddenly had a new spectrum of topics for him to think about and for him to compose about he was in his last year and he honestly couldn’t have picked a better deal. Zayn didn’t hate his life, he just hated being like _this_ with Liam.

 

“No,” Louis insists, “It’s not just your dumb poetry shit, this shit bro is you and your way with words is spellbinding."

"Now will you please finish that up,” Louis continues, pointing down to his coffee, “cost me £4 quid thank you very much.”

He laughs then; Louis always has a tiff about him and his love for coffee from a hidden quaint café just round the corner from his beloved Café Nero where he usually is dragged there for Louis to just stare at the barista they only recently got to know as Harry, with the huge green eyes and somewhat curly hair and his use of headbands for Zayn wasn’t appealing if he had to be honest but that was who Louis chose to drool over, so Zayn let it be.

He picks up his cup and drinks out of it appeasing Louis before turning slightly to watch Liam’s faint figure running still across the bay. He had gotten used to Liam never being there when he shared poems, spoken word apparently isn’t Liam’s cup of tea because he didn’t get the metaphors behind the words no matter how many times Zayn had tried to explain the meanings to him so he tended to stay away.

 

“Babe I’m serious, if you can get yourself to write a poem about him and don’t frown at me in that manner Malik I know you’ve been trying to since the moment I put you in this competition I’ll get him to come ok?”  Zayn nods slowly before Louis pulls him into a hug, he had missed this, Louis had let Liam move in with him after they’d decided they needed space and he’s realised they don’t hang out as often as they used to because this big glass wall of emotion that stands in the middle of him and _his_ Liam, it’s been 2 months and Zayn can positively say it’s not any easier.

 

“Come on, call him up then, it’s getting dark and I refuse to sit here while he runs anymore.” He chuckles at that and stood to call Liam to come to them. He waits until he sees Liam make his way up and left to stand by the car, he’s learnt by now, it’s routine that works with Liam,

 

That or a fit.

 

He watches as Liam jogs up the steps that lead out to the car park, his hair falling heavy on his forehead which in its own right is sweaty and fucking delicious but no he couldn’t think like that because he didn’t know if he could any longer. He sighs and shifts his gaze to Liam’s lips, red and puffy, the same way they looked when Liam’s thoroughly fucked out under Zayn’s gaze when they make love. He didn’t even dare look at his body, because fuck he wanted to bite, lick and prod at those taunt muscles of his. Instead he shifts his gaze to Louis who was pulling Liam into a hug and whispering something that looked like an apology but with Louis’ sharp grin; it was obvious he was _just saying_ it for Liam’s sake rather than actually meaning it.

Liam lets go of Louis and walks up to him; he knew a smile was spreading across his face without wanting too. Liam lit up his world, Liam was the light in his darkness, his ying to his yang, it’s what the tattoo on the other side of his left wrist symbolised, but lately with everything shifting he just feels so damn lost and alone.

 

“Hey you.” Liam says easily tugging him in and kissing his cheek. This is the only affection that has happened in between for about 8 weeks now it was driving him insane, but it was what Liam wanted, so that was that.  Zayn smiled at him as he always does as Liam let go. It hurt like hell to know he could articulate a poem about something like the sky but has never known where to start to start to describe Liam or how to simple _talk_ to Liam without wanting to go die in a box, he hasn’t been able to at all since their first date when they were 16 and thinking they owned the world as they threaded slowly their way into adult hood.

 

Liam’s digging at the small of his back, a little too hard but he gets it, even if they do at one point see each other every day it’s been a little cold and distant as Louis said _, very unlike them_. Zayn lets go of Liam, his arms falling limp against his sides and moves to make way for Liam to get through to the car. Liam smiles almost gratefully getting into the passenger seat as Louis makes it to them. He leans in and kisses Zayn on the forehead before going round the car to get in. With a clench in his jaw he gritted his teeth to make some kind of smile and with the burn of the tyre choking the air he watched as they disappeared into the dusk with a resolved conscious he turns in the opposite direction to start his hour walk home.

                        ___

 

He gets in an hour and a half later, the winter sun had fully disappeared for the evening and the chill in the air intensified to a freezing level. He stops dropping his carrier bags from his impromptu trip to Tesco’s just in time to catch their Harley from crashing full force into him. He wasn’t that big yet but he was a Pit bull, and with his small frame it wasn’t exactly his grandest idea but one of his best. He sat there on his knees with the front door open for a few minutes letting the pup lick at his face before getting up to close the door and start on dinner. He needed coffee and a cigarette though that happened before anything. He walked through the flat pressing the voicemail button, throw the keys and his phone into their bowl by the kitchen door, it was one of their policies, that they never leave their phones on when it’s just them or even with company he smiles as he remembers Liam trying to persuade Niall that it was ok to leave the thing on standby for a few hours, it wasn’t gonna kill them. He shrugs off his coat and beanie into the coat closet and kicks off his shoes in the direction of the door.

 

If Liam were here he thinks, he would be fussing around Zayn trying to keep the space clean, but Liam wasn’t so he didn’t give a damn.

 

He makes his way to the kitchen after grabbing his dinner from the floor and started filling out Harley’s bowl with dinner even if he knows he’ll throw him half of his own food when it’s done and turned back to flick on the kettle before opening a window to blow smoke from his now lit fag out, that’s when he hears Liam’s voice coming from the voicemail machine. He perches his cigarette in the ashtray on the window sill and walks back to the living room to replay the message;

_“Hi –– yeah I know it’s been a while that we’ve talked about us and I really don’t even know why I decided to even call you, but I miss you Z and I do, like really do miss us—but I just need more time to figure out exactly what I want from you but ah fuck – I don’t know –– all this it’s just hard on me too. Yeah well I don’t really have anything else to say just I love you Zayn, fuck I really fucking do I just need to figure out exactly what I want first before I push expectations on you.”_

 

The line goes dead after that the beeping from the machine goes off and the flickering red light stabilises again. Zayn isn’t a crier, Zayn Malik does not cry especially over a boy he’s been in love with since when life started to matter again. Liam is his light in the darkness but right now it feels like that little burning ember holding out hope just had gone out. So he does the only thing he’s been refusing to do, fuck the Christmas decorations he’s had out for the last few days, fuck dinner, and fuck those last minute tying up the loose essays, fuck trying to write Liam. Zayn walks into their room falling haphazardly into thei – _his_ bed and Zayn does what he’s didn’t even do when he got kicked out from his parents house for being in love with a boy,

 

He _cries_.

                  –––

 

“Zayn, Zayn Zay –” he hears. He grunts. Zayn isn’t a morning person. It’s Louis though, prodding gently at his ribcage so he shifts to make space for him, not really lifting his head up from the pillow, it’s throbbing. He knows that’s what a lot of crying does to him. He can hear Louis shuffling about taking off his shoes – Vans most probably, only thing he wears nowadays and getting in next to him, immediately reaching out for Zayn’s neck to pull him in. Louis’ just like that, loud and a boisterous lad most of the time, but he had these quiet moments where he knows when to just be there without having to say a thing. He relaxes under Louis’ touch and feels himself going back to sleep. They’ll talk, later.

 

                 ___

 

He wakes up again about 3 hours later to the smell of cigarette smoke. He smiles before hushing out an ‘ _open the damn window Louis_ ’  letting his hands wander up to his face to rub the sleep out of his eyes. He sits up, dishevelled and tired. He looks like shit and he knows it.

 

“Judging from your kitchen I’m gonna say you didn’t get anything done last night.” Louis says as he takes that last drag from his cigarette before stabbing and and flicking it out the window. “And I’m also gonna go out on a limb here but something happened didn’t it.”

It was like that with him and Louis, when Louis broke up with his girlfriend, it had pulled Zayn out of sleep and into his car because he knew  _something_ was up and every time Zayn needed someone, Louis was always there, constant and perpetual.

 

He sighs and gets up and out of the room taking his duvet with him (he hadn’t even put the heating on last night he realises, rather daft of him to be honest) and he walks to the voicemail system and pressing it on again. He could see that Louis had placed his stuff in the fridge smiling because Lou remembered that he likes his milk to sit on the window sill at this time of year. He dialled in the password and suddenly Liam’s voice is filling the room again. His heart jumps but he forces himself to not panic this time. Louis’ is out of the room by the middle of the message, and clinging to Zayn like his life depended on it, yeah he guesses, that didn’t need words.

 

                 ___

 

 

“Zayn babe, you have to get up now. It’s half 4 do you think you can get anything done today?” He and Lou had spent the day in bed, on multiplayer GTA and drinking coke straight out the can, another thing Zayn realises Liam would turn his nose up too.

 

“Dunno to be honest it’s hard to try to think of anything when it’s like this you know?”

 

Louis shrugs pulling at the duvet, like he wants to say something.

 

“What’s that poem – " he starts, “the one you had first found round the time you were crushing on him hard?” Zayn sighs, he hadn’t thought about that for years, that first poem he had found in the dead of the night, when he couldn’t sleep because all he did was think about Liam.

 

“You mean, _I want you, entire_ don’t you?” He says dropping his controller to reach out for his notebook. (The one under the bed next to the box of toys Liam refuses to tell anyone about.)

 

“Well I don’t know the name babe; I just remember it’s the only thing you kept repeating for months on end.” Louis chuckles.

 

“This one.” He says after he’s done flicking through the notes of 16 year old Zayn and handing the notebook to Louis.

 

“That’s the one.” Louis says after reading Zayn’s scrawled out handwriting. “It used to be your mantra babe, remember?”

 

Zayn smiles, oh he remembers all right, but it was a highly embarrassing time for him. He was always so very gaunt and he hates it, the fact that he can see his own hip bones sticking out; it’s not the most appealing thing on the planet. Zayn was quiet and meek back then, as his mother put it, _afraid of his own shadow_ it was only when he was thrust out to the world at such a young age did he learn to adapt and _survive_ being the freak at the edge of classes, round about the time he met Louis too, something Louis calls fate, he calls fortune.

 

“Yeah I know.” He says instead, “hang on, pass me the pen will you Lou?” He says as he scrambles to his current notebook for a new page and immediately scratching down a _YOU_ when Louis tips the pen at him. Zayn has never been able to write Liam but as Louis exhales he can hear him thanking the heavens as he walks away to start hanging the decorations up and Zayn smiles slightly knowing he’s so god damn lucky to have a friend like Louis. He looks at the page again and remembers he’s never been able to write Liam but looking down at it again, he thinks he might finally be able to do just that.

                     ___

 

 

A few days later when he’s just wrapping up the first draft, sitting around in his boxers and living on black coffee, smoke chaining to his heart’s content, he gets a text.

 

“He’s going.” Louis says, Zayn’s not felt so _alive_ in months but at that moment he just about did.

 

                   ___

 

 

He’s now sitting in the cafe he’s been seeing in his dreams on end for a while. Harry and Niall found him a table at the far end of the place where he could go over his lines in peace till he’s called up. The talent is plenty and Zayn was about to dash if it wasn’t for Liam and Louis’ entrance into the cafe just as the lights went down for the first poet. Louis sat them across the room but Harry had signalled Lou just before they swapped out so now Louis was the one sitting next to him while good old Harry was entertaining Liam on the opposite end of the room. Niall thought it was a good idea to try and chat up girls at the bar. Zayn didn’t feel required to tell him, nerds are afraid of boys with loud laughs and a never ending supply of beer in their hands.

“Oi, Malik!” He hears Louis calling; he shakes his head out of his thoughts before turning to Louis, “Penny for your thoughts?” he says now, gentler.

“Nahh man I’m good.” He says as he closes his books hiding his poems from Louis. He’s already been up twice tonight and he got himself into the finals, only one poem left and he didn’t particularly want to win now. He just wanted to say it all out to Liam.

Louis leans in and kisses his forehead before tapping his books and the side of his nose, as if he knew what was in there already. He shrugs and leans his head on the table, waiting his turn – any minute now.  

___

Finally he makes his way up to the stage. His hands shake, they’ve never really done that before, but he saw Liam perk up a bit when his name gets called so guesses that’s the reason why.

He clears his throat after he sets his books on the stool next to him, ”Um hi, before I want to start this final poem, I wanna say another poem that made me realise how much I was in love with this person before I got the chance to be with him. It’s called I want you, entire and it’s one of those things with some people where you just _know_ they are it for you, even if they make it extremely hard for you to love them at times, especially if they have a penchant to push you away.”

He stops to control his thoughts before he starts pouring out his heart in front of a room of strangers and closes his eyes.

“I want to know how many scars you have and memorize the shape of your tongue.

 I want to climb the curve of your lower back and count your vertebrae

                                                                                Your ribs

                                                                                Your fingers

                                                                                Your goose bumps

I want to chart out the typography of your anatomy

And be fluent in your body language.

I want you, entire.”

 

He finishes and slits open his eyes to look around only to find Liam’s now sitting right in front of him. And with a small smile, he starts you.

 

“YOU.” and it’s loud and confident, exactly the way he needs it to be.  It’s exactly what he needs it to be for Liam to listen to him.

 

 

 

 

_“I miss the space between our sheets the one that belongs to you._

 

 

_I miss the way your eyes shine at me  every time you wake me, like it's your first Christmas and I'm your new favourite toy and_

_I miss the way you say I do for every possible thing, like you’re rehearsing your speech for our wedding, for our wedding our wedding._

_I miss the way you looked before your life became a liturgy of abs arms and arse again and again as if time will catch up with you and still if you ever stopped the running._

_I miss the way you looked at me when we were 17, when the world was alive,_

_And when the birds chirped and when the ocean roared but now life's a metallic streak of red orange and green lacking clarity in all shapes and forms._

_I miss the way the water drops drip drop drip along the line down your spine and with that bloody hair of yours you look so damned divine._

_but_

_I love the way you scream mine mine mine every time we make love beneath the stars, our own private audience imagining Picasso and Van Gogh paint our musical in sync madness as we swayed beneath the moon._

_I love the way you kiss me, you remind me of Paris in the rain and Antwerp in the cold, you remind me of the cobbles beneath my feet as we ran through tumbling cities made of glass, ready to shatter all around us with one wrong move._

_I love the way you fold our sheets like you're in it for a accolade like you're in 5k marathon just waiting to jump up for the prize, as if I bloody give a fuck whether they're folded left or right, all I care about is the way you hold me under those fresh white sheets as we lie._

_I love the way you say pitter patter because it reminds me of rain and it reminds me of you and me it reminds me of our first night together dancing in the fall._

_I love the way you roll my name as it vibrates inside your mouth the way you guff out I love you every time I touch your tongue._

_But mostly,_

_I love the way they speak of us as if were something unique but sometimes it's like fuck that this is about you and me and you and me aren't the book the chair the statistic you and me means you and me and right now it just looks like a lot of you over there and a lot me of me over here I miss the way you say I miss you because you don't anymore and sometimes I miss the way it was all before, before you and me became you and I before two became one and souls intertwined because that was a whole lot easier then this even though I love this you sometimes make me think being apart is better than this but you and me mean you and me and if you're willing to stick in there so shall I.”_

He speaks the last part like almost a whisper, and he thanks the microphone for being there before him. He knows that even though he was speaking to just Liam, everyone in the room heard seeing the clicking noises during it and the loud clapping filling the room now. Liam’s just looking at him in shock he’d say but at least it was worth a go, Zayn’s mind tells him but he spoke too soon, because Liam literally jumps him and in that moment the clapping goes from loud to deafening with people cheering all round. He smiles and lets go of Liam grabbing his things and leading him out the door. He didn’t care if he wins anymore, it made Liam wanna speak to him, and he’s what’s important.

“Zayn fuck, Zayn!” Liam says right after the door of the cafe swings shut.

He stops and turns, his eyes immediately sliding down to look at his shoes, embarrassed now, under Liam’s full gaze, in ages.

“Zayn – look at me, please?” Liam asks as he grabs his hands tightly. Zayn looks up he’s never been able to say no to Liam. He bits on his bottom lip as he hears the carol singers in the square starting up another song.

“I’m sorry.” Liam whispers, “I just began to doubt myself lately, because of me I’ve realised you’ve given up so much and I thought me being away would make you wanna meet people, try to see your family, I don’t really have a justifiable reason I just thought you’d –“

He cuts Liam off by pressing his lips to his. He misses that.

“Liam, my parents threw me out because I was in love with a boy. It doesn’t matter how lovely you might be, you’ve got a dick. I can’t believe we are still at this Li, I don’t care ok? Yeah I miss them like crazy but I’ve had – got you. The blood in my veins still runs because of you, because loving you is the most important thing in my life, I don’t wanna meet girls or run back home screaming take me back I’m not gay anymore, because at the end of it I love the life I’ve built up with you and it’s ok if you don’t want the marriage and the kids it’s ok if you don’t want commitment I can live with that, but I can’t with you being distant, away and cold to me. I meant it; I do miss you so much, like I said I miss your space between our sheets the one that belongs to you. Liam I meant every word of what I said in there and you know what, it’s ok to be scared and dubious it’s _ok_ but I don’t think I can ever let you go Li, that’s what scares me, thinking about letting you go, because I don’t think I can ever do that.”

He gives up trying to explain them, letting his head hang again because he is scared to look at Liam now. He feels arms though; Liam’s unmistakable strong arms enclose him within the small space they took up as their own. He feels them sit on his waist, cupping the small of his back nearly. His skin burns beneath the touch, even with layers of clothes on, he can still feel that, and the butterflies in his stomach soar – that hadn’t happened, not in months. He relaxes underneath the familiar touch, his body fitting itself so effortlessly again between Liam’s spaces and crevices, because it knows every one and looks up at Liam then just as Liam leans in to connect their lips again. A proper kiss this time, and they stand there, on the eve before Christmas, the distant carol singing and the light snow that started to cover the street now. They stand there, just how they were meant too like their life depended on it.

Until they heard Louis’ and Harry’s screams coming out looking for them before the pair of them are being pulled back inside and into the heat.

He won.

                    ___

 

“Zayn?” He hears early the next morning, he doesn’t sigh this time, he smiles cause it’s Liam calling him awake with a gentle caress of his jaw and Liam’s gentle weight on his chest. Liam chuckles slightly as he moves away, pleased with himself that he woke so early without much complaining. Zayn giggles reaching out to pull Liam back in by the ear, landing a kiss somewhere between his cheek and mouth before turning to reach under the bed, bringing out a simple long velvet box. It was Christmas morning after all. Zayn sits up, leaning against the headboard letting Harley settle between them in the sheets (Zayn hated kicking him out of their room last night, but he needed time with Liam, his Liam. It had been months.) before passing the gift to Liam.

 

“ Now I know we’ve not really decided anything yet, but I had to get you it, if that’s ok.” He says just as Liam’s gently opening the red box. It was a simple black bracelet with 3 sapphires on the top side and “Turn it.” He says just as Liam takes it in his hand, and

“ _I want you; entire.”_ etched on the underside of it. Liam’s face lights up with giddy as he motions to Zayn to latch it on. Zayn smiles just as Liam reaches for his own box from the inside of his trousers that was discarded close to the bed at least.

 

Zayn laughs when he gets a full view of Liam’s bottom, he thought he was used to Liam’s body by now but he guesses, some things never get old.

 

Liam turns back, only slightly flushed and hands him the smaller still red but square box. He squeezes Liam’s fingers before opening it.

 

“Now,” Liam starts again, pulling him out of his musing. “I’m not a poet or an artist or a brilliant writer, I’m just plain old Liam studying to become a boring old lawyer but the first thing you said to me was _I do,_ it's why I always tend to reply with that and even though they are just promise rings I do want them to be special seeing I had replied _me too_ to us back then and that’s what these two say.” Liam says as he grasps at one of the rings and waits for Zayn to hold out his hand and he thinks back he remembers the conversation, remembers the way Liam's fingers felt around the cup of black coffee Liam had bought him after figuring it out they like it in the same exact way. Zayn remembers the butterflies in his stomach and the too hot room and the  _joy_  that filled him back then, and he honestly just wanted it all back. Liam always replying with I do makes sense now too.

 

 Liam chuckles and presses a kiss to his collarbone,“Zayn, stop thinking for one and I do want the marriage and kids and I do want commitment and these last couple of weeks have been just thinking of ways to make it up to you, but you beat – “

 

“Stop it.” Zayn hushes, his fingers reaching out to press gentle across Liam's temples, “You don't need to give me reasons as to why you needed space. I love you and you’re back and that’s all that matters ok and Li, I'm gonna have my very own lawyer, imagine you in suits babe?” He laughs as he pulls Liam fully on top of him.

 

“Ok,"he whispers, "and I love you too.” Liam smiles as Zayn takes the other ring from the box, presses it to his lips first before fitting it into Liam’s ring finger too. 

 

“Zayn, say it again will you.”

 

He grins happily because he knows exactly what Liam’s on about. So he looks for Liam's hand with his, lacing them together first before he glides up his arm, pressing on Liam's taunt muscles, before reaching down to the tip of Liam’s nose and presses his own to it before tilting up to kiss Liam's forehead . He lets out a little giggle then, they still had things to sift though and sort out, but he knew it wasn't their forte but at that moment  he couldn't help it, he was happy because balance had been restored. Liam was  _there_ again and that's the only thing that mattered in his life.

 

He lets his lips wonder up to Liam’s ear, biting sofly at shell of it , before simply saying, _"I want you, entire"_ because really, that’s all out of Liam he ever wanted.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I started this one ages ago actually because it's a poem one of my best friends wrote to his boyfriend and he graciously let me use it in a fic, because it screamed ZaynandLiam too me. There is also a poem that is quite significant here, called I want you;entire. By anonymous. It's a brilliant piece and I just wanted it included in some way. Other than that, Happy holidays :)


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